Self Evaluation!

(Maybe I will not follow the given template.)

The evaluation of teacher Agnes on my essay:

Your first draft looks good. But, can you make your thesis more concise? It looks more like a piece of advice than an argument. You might want to restate your thesis statement to something like, "Loving another person is not inherent: It is learned."

Since that, I have reconsidered about the 'thesis' and thought that my existing essay does not look like a persuasive essay. But I do not think that the problem is thesis; it is because I have written all the things related to love, even unnecessary facts, such as "how to communicate properly?" Just as her advice, it is "more like a piece of advice than an argument." So though I decided not to take her advice, I want her to know that it helped me a lot.
I hope to build my ideas in thoughtful and meaningful way, making my essay look more like a persuasive one, by stripping out needless parts of it, to show the reasonable development. Okay, let's start!